the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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