my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
