i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
