There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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