If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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