I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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