Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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