What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
