Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
