It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
