if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Randomize
