If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
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I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
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i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
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