Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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