Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
