All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
