90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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