I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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