I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I am one with the molecules
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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