I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
