How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You took a bar mat shot.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
