My first STD was from a foam party
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
