i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
