i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
my being single is dangerous.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
