Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
