How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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