Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
