I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
