Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
