Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
