As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
i think my cat just said my name.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
why does every cop we meet know your name?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
