I hate all girls vehemently.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
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