It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Randomize
