One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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