frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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