Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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