I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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