in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
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It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
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If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
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