Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
i now understand why vodka
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
