Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
be right there i have to get my cape
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
