margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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