He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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