I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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