my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
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The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I want her autograph on my taint
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
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Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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