I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Still dying that you shit outside
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
