how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
