You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
