that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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