No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
