I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
