Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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