so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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