Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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