I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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