ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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