I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
