This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
