i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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