I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
