You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
