there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Randomize
